Can't Get The Help These Days
by Von Doomsatan Productions
Summary: It's days like this are the reason why Ulquiorra doesn't have Fraccion.


**This was inspired by a mixture of a dull Sunday afternoon and watching comedy classics.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Monty Python.**

* * *

Orihime stood alone in her... well for lack of a better word, cell. But as cells it wasn't that bad, it was easily bigger than her own appartment, the bed wasn't bad even if it was just a mattress on a concrete slab (she only learned this fact when she flopped backwards onto it and hurt her back) and there was a chair (also concrete) and a weird eggcup shaped table.

She was bored. Out of her mind. If asked to sum up Hueco Mundo in one word, Orihime would say 'boring'. If it was two words then it'll be 'unbelievably boring'. She asked Ulquiorra if she could have something to read, he gave her an inflight magazine but she wasn't that desperate.

Orihime even tried to make a game out of counting the ceiling tiles but that ended in failure. No matter how times she counted it was still just one.

"Woman." A familiar monotone voice snapped her out of her stupor. She turned to see her guard and captor, Ulquiorra stood at the door. He was carrying a small bundle in his arms.

"H-hello Ulquiorra-san."

"I bring a gift from Aizen-sama," he stated as stepped into the room and dropped the bundle on the bed. Curiosity got the better of Orihime and she unfolded the bundle, revealing it to be a crisp white uniform similar in style to the ones the Arrancar wore.

"Thank you, it's...erm...nice."

"Aizen-sama likes to keep everything in Las Noches regimented."

"Ah that explains it."

"I'm assigning a temporary guard to watch you until I return to take you to Aizen-sama." Two Arrancar stepped into the cell. The first was a tall, flat chested woman with straight black chin length hair with a green streak. Her mask fragment looked like a band with a pair of 10 inch long antenna that covered her forehead. The other Arrancar was a much shorter man with brown curly hair with a mask that covered his nose and upper lip. The elongated nose on the mask looked similar to a Gillian's. Orihime waved to them. The woman waved back.

"This is Porvelo", Ulquiorra pointed to the woman, "And the other is Memphis. They are trash." And with the introductions finished, the Cuatro Espada turned to leave the room.

"Make sure the woman doesn't leave this room until I come and get her."

"Not to leave the room even if you come and get her," Memphis repeated what he believed to be the orders he received. Ulquiorra froze at the door then turned to face the lesser Arrancar.

"No, until I come and get her," he repeated the order. Porvelo hiccupped.

"Until you come and get her, we're not to enter the room."

"You stay in the room and make sure she doesn't leave." Another hiccup from Porvelo.

"And you'll come and get her."

"Yes." Another hiccup.

"We don't need to do anything apart from just stopping her entering the room." Ulquiorra had the feeling he was doing this on purpose.

"No. Leaving the room." The tall woman hiccupped again.

"Leaving the room, yes," Memphis repeated.

"Correct." Satisfied his orders were understand the Espada tried to leave the cell again.

"Oh!", Memphis suddenly called, "I-I-If uh...i-i-if eh...if we..." Ulquiorra sighed.

"Yes? What is it?" he asked as he felt a headache begin to form.

"If... erm...oh. I forgot."

"Look it's quite simple", he said to Porvelo, hoping she would be the brains of the pair, "You just stay here and make sure she doesn't leave this room. Understand?" The woman nodded then hiccupped.

"Oh, now I remember", Memphis cried, "Uh, can she leave the room with us?"

"No, no, no. No", Ulquiorra closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the impending migraine, " You just keep her in here and make sure..."

"Oh yes! We'll keep her in here obviously. But if she has to leave and we were with her..." Another hiccup.

"No, just keep her in here..."

"Until you or anyone else..." Porvelo hiccupped again.

"Not anyone else. Just me."

"Just you." She hiccupped again.

"Get back."

"Get back." Another hiccup. Orihime was wondering if she should offer her a glass of water.

"Understand?"

"Right, we'll stay here until you get back."

"And make sure she doesn't leave."

"What?" Ulquiorra sighed. His head was pounding and was rapidly losing his patience.

"Make sure she doesn't leave."

"Her?", the long nosed Arrancar asked, pointing to Orihime.

"Yes. Make sure she doesn't leave..."

"Oh yes! Of course. I thought you meant her", he jerked his thumb in Porvelo's direction, "It seemed a bit daft, me guarding her when she's a guard", said Memphis with a idiotic grin. Porvelo just continued to hiccup.

"Is that clear?"

"Oh quite clear. No problems." The tall woman hiccupped again.

"Good." More or less satisfied his orders were _finally _understood Ulquiorra tried to leave quickly, wondering if Szayel Aporro had anything for his mirgraine. Then somebody walked into his back. He turned round with cold dread in his heart and a throbbing in his head. The two fools had followed him outside.

"What are you doing?"

"We're coming with you."

"No, I want you to stay here an... nevermind. Just close the door behind you."

Orihime sat on her bed in silence, confused about what just happened moments ago. Then the silence was broken by a loud static thump noise and two voices screaming in agony. Then silence once more. The door opened and Ulquiorra entered the room massaging his temples. Orihime was sure she could smell something or more accurately somebody burning in the hallway.

"Inoue Orihime", the Espada said as he approached her, "I have some important news for you. I am making you a temporary replacement Fraccion."

"...o-okay."

"You are to start immediately with your first mission."

"Which is?"

"Guard duty. Make sure nobody leaves this room, understand?"

"Yes."

"Good." As he was half way through the door Ulquiorra felt something tug on his arm. It was Orihime holding onto his sleeve.

"What are you doing, woman?"

"You said nobody was to leave the room."

Orihime became very worried when Ulquiorra started to hit the wall with his head.

Good help is so hard to find these days.


End file.
